Yesterday was day 3 of the month long Crossfit class that I signed up for. The first 2 days I felt good, although on day 2 I was SOOOORRREEEE like barely walking sore. It sucked, but in a good way. Then yesterday happened. We did our warm up stretching & crap, then the coach takes us outside to RUN. Yeah, Carmie no runnie. But she did. For a bit. Then stopped and power walked. Feeling defeated for the first time. I was pissed, I thought I was going to do better. Then we moved inside for the main work out. I am still pissed/upset/defeated by the running but I'm trying to focus on the workout and jamming to the good metal that was pumping in the gym. Until I heard the word "SQUAT-THRUSTS." B.S. (before surgery) I could never do them, I got the squatting down, but not the thrusting (HA!) Turns out that A.S. same thing. I just couldn't get my legs to kick back, I half-assed it. Till the coach saw me struggling and suggested another way for me to do them, yeah not working. Yet another suggestion, yup..nope. Please God let the 2 minutes be up so we can move onto the next thing!! Yadda yadda yadda....final stretching as Carmen is relaxing and letting her mind go. Racing thoughts moved in and all I heard was someone (me) telling me that I am still that 300+ fat slob who couldn't walk up the stairs, that I wanted to quit this damn class that obviously I can't do etc etc etc. Then my dumb ass started welling up with tears. The coach saw and I looked away fast. I pulled it together, fully convinced that once I got in my car I was going to lose it. But I didn't. And in spite of every fiber in my being wanting to stop at one of the 3 fast food places I had to pass and binge like I've never binged before....I didn't.
I felt totally and utterly defeated yesterday. By myself. I was in a very bad spot for a bit. But I got out of it. I like this class BECAUSE of what happened yesterday. That will push me FAR. I have a routine, before the class starts I go to the gym and do 15-20 min on the elliptical, who the hell would've thunk that???
I'm good, I just wanted to share this with you guys :-)
I am SO proud of you! I know the feeling you talked about and the negative fat chick that still lives inside us. BUT you beat her chunky chicken fried ASS to the curb didn't you?!
ReplyDeleteAnd you're going to go back and do it again and again, b/c you are NOT a big girl anymore. You GOT THIS! Trust me, if Jen and 'run' so can Carmie.
I love you!
Jen
Hey... I'm proud of you for trying to switch things up... Everything's harder when it's new but you will kick it's ass like everything else you've beaten to get here. That Fat chick is long gone, so remember her fondly but you don't have her limitations and you will Overcome! Run Carmen Run! but don't ask me to join you, ReeRee don't run! *M*
ReplyDeleteWow - seriously - if this isn't fighting fears and past demons and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone - then I don't know what is. That you finished and are going back positively means you aren't that 300 pound girl anymore. Rock on lovey.
ReplyDeleteSex sucked the first time. Painful, embarrassing and not exactly something you'd want strangers watching you do.
ReplyDeleteBut hey... things change!
Uh... right? I am sucking at analogies lately.
I was an athlete my whole life. I went to U of M on a swimming scholarship. I have run, cycled, you name it. Crossfit is the hardest and most demanding workout I have endured. Period. I fell off the box doing jumps Tuesday. Pretty soon you will be bragging about your squat thrusters and counting pull ups. You so rock!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you Carmie! Keep doing what you are doing...you are succeeding honey!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you, but you already know that. You inspire me, but you already know that. You deserve this life you are carving out for yourself, do you know THAT?
ReplyDeleteyou weren't defeated.... you avoided the old fast food trap so YOU WON!
ReplyDeleteIt will get easier. There's an ab exercise my trainers used to put me through that had me in tears every time.... because I couldn't do it and felt like a failure.... but now I can do it with little effort.... you'll get there!
Dude...you have my admiration for even trying Crossfit. That place scares the crap out of me. My husband, who lifts things up and puts them down (really freaking heavy things...on purpose) won't try Crossfit because it scares him too. You're kicking ass.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post, cause one day in the not to distant future you will look back and laugh cause of how easy the class has become. Good for you for sticking with it! And for not giving in to the fast food demon!
ReplyDeleteHow dare you feel defeated! You signed up for a challenging class. You went to the class eventhough you were sore. And then you avoided eating your emotions. You are going to be amazed at what you can do at the end of the month. I am so proud of you.
ReplyDelete