Stupid and Empty

Soooooo...I kind of had an epiphany about 2 weeks ago.  About the band and eating.  I came the conclusion that I've pretty much been an idiot for the past year to year and half.  I was banded February 23 2010 and pretty much stopped losing weight on the one year anniversary of being banded.  Day or surgery I weighed in at 281 and on 2/22/2011 I was 199 pounds.  Last year before BOOBS I weighed 202, and this morning I weighed in at 215.  These days it is right around 212.
So here is where my stupidity comes into play.  I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EAT.  Since being banded I pretty much only eat mushy foods, very rarely anything solid.  And when I do eat solids, I get stuck on the first bite or 2.  Sometimes it goes down, sometimes it comes back up, either way that is the way most of my meals go.
I am kind of just free writing, so I hope you can follow my crazy thoughts :-)
I've been spending a lot of time with my friend who had gastric bypass, and her husband who is banded.  Whenever I eat with them, I take a bite or 2, then stop.  Both pretty much immediately ask if I am stuck, I always say no, that I am going slow or that I will be stuck if I eat another bite.  Most of the time I am in the beginning stages of stuckdom.  I've spent time watching both of them eat, her husband definitely eats fast for a bandster, but WHAT he eats is amazing to me.  I thought that he was crazy for what & how he ate.  Then BAM it hit me that I was wrong.  He is eating "normally."  I am the one who is crazy for the way I eat.
Getting stuck on a nearly daily basis?  Not good!
So, Carmie called her surgeon (who I haven't been to in over a year!) and was 100% honest with the nurse. Yup I rely on sliders etc etc etc.  Yadda yadda yadda...I had 5 cc's in my band and now I have no cc's and an appointment for an Upper GI to rule out a slip.  Good times.
Empty band + not having eaten anything really of substance for a long time = a very very very slippery scary slope.  I can manage my eating monday through friday 8 - 5.  But when I walk in my door after work, and on weekends?  The 300+ pound worst version of myself takes over.  The one who eats without even realizing that she is eating.
Yeah, so there is that.  My upper GI is scheduled for the 8th, once a slip is ruled out I will go in for a fill (freaking 200 bucks! ggrrrrrr) and I will start from square one.  Well not really square one, since I am about 70 pounds less than the first time around (depending on where you count as my starting point lol) and I now know the mistakes I made.

Aside from that, everything is going good!  Can't wait for Chicago!  I should get over to the boobies blog to see if there is a list of attendees so I can get to know the chicks I don't know!
Still talking to and taking things slow with that awesome guy and he is still just as awesome!

I know, I know...

Everytime I blog (which is next to never these days) I talk about how much I suck for not posting, not reading etc etc.  You know that, I know that...I'm a bad blogger and bad band blog friend.  I'm sorry, I won't make any more promises that I'm not sure that I will keep!

How about some updates band life etc...

I've been lax in gym-going and eating.  I'm having a torrid love-hate affair with ice cream.  There was a 4 day period that involved 3 pints of Ben & Jerrys.  I am struggling with eating, my addiction to eating and the reasons why I fall into pints of ice cream.  There is a lot of stuff going on in my life that sucks ASS.  Well...let me take that back, the crappy stuff isn't in MY life directly, just people very close to me.  I'm working on ways to deal that DON'T involve ice cream.

My weight is stuck around the 210 mark, yup that is 10+ pounds up in a year.  Funny thing is that I am OK with it.  Probably WHY I'm "stuck" well that and the damn ice cream lol  So why am I ok with it?  Because I'm in a 16 (for the most part) on the bottoms and tops...well you all know how tops go!!  Some shirts in LB still work (in 14/16) at Torrid I'm a 0 or 1 (so that is Juniors plus size 12-14) I just bought a men's t-shirt in a large.  Also because I feel good.  I will do what I want when I want!  :-)

I am going to BOOBS again, wouldn't miss it!  This year I am going with tradition and have 2 new roomies!  The first year I was with Maria & Julie (the new blogger layout is messing me up and I can't seem to link lol yes THAT is how long it's been since I blogged!) and last year was with Miss Jenny and the dear Drazil.  This year Read (fuck me I don't know if you use your real name here or not lol!) and Linda.  If I wasn't so DANG awesome I'd be worried that it was me ;-)

Men...the ex is still an idiot.  Sometimes he will remember how awesome I am and text or call me, but I don't get sucked in.  The guy that I was...."spending time with" is done.  I joined a few dating sites, mostly I say "WTF is wrong with me that I'm attracting these TOOLS?!?!"  Or wondering why these dating sites hate me...  With one exception.  A few months ago (4 maybe?) I met a guy through one of the sites, yadda yadda yadda he is awesome.  Quite possibly as awesome as I am, I know hard to imagine!  We have hung out a few times (nothing happened) and talk (aka text) everyday.  He is getting out of a nasty relationship and is gun shy.  That is ok, I can be patient...for a bit... :-)  I must admit that it is really cool to like a guy and have a connection and NOT rush into things.  I've never done that before...first time for everything huh?

My apartment is amazing, I love it!  I am getting a new bed delivered next weekend.  Well just mattress.  I figure that not only is my current one nearly 15 years old, but for the better part of those 15 years it "supported" my 300+ pound ass!  I'm upgrading to a queen size and I can't wait to sleep in my new bed!!

There are quite a few of chicks going to BOOBS that I don't know, I am going to do like I did last year and read those new chicks blogs from beginning to end in one sitting lol

Umm...I think that is all for now!  Talk to you when I talk to you and can't wait to see those of you in Chi!  xoxo