Who's there?
'Member...
'Member me???
Yeah it's me, Carmen. As I told Stephanie (who checked up on me :-) ) I've been hiding under a rock, sticking my head in the sand, sitting on the bottom of my so-called pit of despair. I have been DEEEEEPRESSSSEEEDDDD. I have not worked out since doing the month of Crossfit, I have not lost any weight since February. Which is kind of funny because as you may recall February was my one year anniversary of being banded and when I hit "onederland"...I have not lost a single pound. I was hovering between 199 and 203...until this past week...where everyday I have weighed in at 204. So let me take off my shoes and socks so I can count....yup by my calculation that is a 5 lb gain. WHHHAAAT??? I AM SO SHOCKED!!! Yeah not so much. Ahem....Hi my name is Carmen and I am addicted to food and I secret eat.
Well...secret eating...I only hide it from one person and only sometimes. The bf. He made a comment the other day that pissed me off and prompted a HUGE fight. I don't even want to say what he said because it'll piss me off even more and I'm sure you guys will have a field day with it!! Eh...fuck it. So we were driving back from upstate NY and my cousin had given us a bag of drinks for the road. One bottle was a plain high test full sugar Pepsi. I don't drink a lot of soda, maybe 1-2 a month and even pre-surgery it was always diet, regular was too sweet for me. So anyway...5 hours into the drive I needed a pick me up...so I popped open the Pepsi. And he says "You aren't supposed to be drinking that. I'm really disappointed in some of the choices that you have been making." And proceeded to list the last 10 bad things I had in my mouth (dirty joke anyone?) Umm....this coming from the guy who had gastric bypass surgery approximately 9 years ago and in the past 7 years (since we met) has put on 75+ pounds. At LEAST half of what he lost. Grrr....so my dumb ass gets mad and eats to spite him. Because FUCK him that's why. (Yeah yeah I called myself dumb)
I lost my way. I feel like shit. I have no desire to do anything. I can't stop eating.
My doctor put me on Effexor. We shall see.
I've drafted my budget and I've been looking for apartments. It'll be tight, but I should be able to pull it off. I NEED to pull it off. All you single girls with your own places, how do you do it? All you chicks who are good with money, how the HECK do you do it? I'm a financial idiot! I already know I will have to live without cable....SIGH. I will subscribe to hulu and make do. I am totally addicted to tv. Hmm...2 addiction admissions? Let's go for the trifecta! I cannot stop smoking. I hate it. It's gross. But I can't stop. I haven't had a cig since Sunday, I am jonesing and I have a GIGANTIC headache. The reason why I haven't smoked? Because I have 5 bucks to last me till Friday. Why? WHY you ask? Because fuckstick (bf) decided to quit his job in March. MARCH. So Carmen has been spending all her money. FUUUUUCKKK. Did I tell you that I am totally sucking it with this dang band? Oh, he got a job today and is starting Monday.
Grrrr....
Please don't give up on me! I've been reading a little here & there. Definitely read all the BOOBS posts! I can't wait. I need some BOOBS! lol I hope I can catch up on the new BOOBS. boobs. bboooooobbbbsssss. Geez you would think I was drunk! Nope not a drop! Tonight at least :-)
xoxo
I was JUST about to bug you to see where the hell you have been. Ok, now I'm gonna read your post...
ReplyDeleteI am a secret eater too. I was trying to figure things out in my head the other day. I didnt really secret eat with Tracey. Not that I can remember anways. And I dont know if its because i was so focused on losing vs now I dont really care, or if I DID eat junk in front of him he didnt really make me feel guilty about it so I didnt feel this need to eat as much junk as possible in case I never get the chance again...like I do now with Heather. I wonder if I would eat less crap food if I could sometimes feel comfortable eating it in front of Heather. or is that just an excuse? Its mind boggling. But it has gotten really bad for me.
ReplyDeleteI was single and solo for a long time. It is about cutting back on things that are "extra". When I could only afford the 3 basic channels, for some reason, I also got the jewelry channel, and I would stay up late at night just watching it. I learned a lot about cheap jewels and tv selling of it.
I am sorry that BF said that. It would have made me want to start shoving lard in my mouth just to prove a point.
Ok, I'm soooooooo glad you're back! I miss you like the deserts miss the rain (too much?). Also, plus, too, look on the bright side: 5 pounds is doable, you are taking steps out of your less than stellar relationship - that's huge! Lastly, we LOVE you and want you around more. Additionally, 2 months 'til CHICAGO! YAY!!
ReplyDeleteSo freaking glad you are back. I'm emailing you my phone number so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call me. I'm single, I live alone and have for a very long time. I can help you with the emotional side of moving out of a relationship AND an apartment (been there, done that!) and figuring out your next steps.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this. It is the right thing even if it feels like the wrong time. You deserve EVERYTHING and you are the only one who can make sure you get it. The first step is the hardest but you are not alone.
Hugs and strength to you.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm glad you took the time to let us know what's going on. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now and trying to lose weight in the midst of it will probably be an exercise in futility, but I know from experience that when everything seems like total shit, bad eating and no exercise only makes it seems worse. Still, if secret eating is the ONLY way you can take care of yourself right now, then eat away my dear because you deserve to be cared for!
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better for you. I know you can make do without cable. Lots of libraries have DVDs (including series) that you can check out. Also satellite can usually give you a good deal for the first year or so.
As far as budgeting goes, make a list of your bills and expenses like smokes, groceries, etc. Be realistic - if you need $20 a week to get drinks with friends, budget for it. Then figure what you can afford to pay for rent on a new place. It will help if you pay your bills on pay day and take the rest of your money out in cash. Put it into envelopes - one for groceries, one for cigarettes, one for gas, etc. Then when you need to get things, you'll have enough for what you need. It isn't fun or glamorous, but it will help you feel more in control of your life!
Baby doll - I love you. We are ALL here for you so keep reaching out! We shall have all kinds of talks in Chicago late at night cuddling okay?
ReplyDeleteVery eerie. I was thinking about you just this morning, see you on Facebook but very eerie that I log in and see you post. OOOOOOOhhhh.
ReplyDeleteBut so glad you're back. And I'm up a few pounds too. Just can't seem to get back in the game. But we will. Just remember you didn't gain all your hard lost weight back. That's a biggy.
Great post, Carmie. So glad you're planning your big escape. Hang in there, keep going, the effexor should kick in soon. And if it doesn't, go back to your doctor and get something else.
ReplyDeleteHang in there cupcake. We all love you.
ReplyDeleteSee you soon in Chicago.
I miss you so much Carmie.... I was hoping to get together with you soon. But I will at least see you in Chicago and knowing I'm closer to you now means I can get a chance to see you more often. I hope you feel better soon. I deal with depression too and It makes my choices suffer. I hate when anyone tells me I shouldn't or am not allowed to have this or that. And your BF should understand much better than most what a hard journey you're on... but his WLS makes you lose weight for the first year whether they change this diet and exercise routines or not... So he definitely should be amazed at what you have accomplished. It is hard work with a band, but it will be there for us when we are rockin' it and when we fall to catch us.
ReplyDeleteHey there, Boo..I've missed you and glad to see you posting, but most importantly, glad to see that 1) you're working on going out on your own, which you totally deserve to be treated like a princess! and 2) that you are holding yourself accountable for things in your life. I wish i could give you some encouraging words about smoking, but I'm right there with you. I have tried to quit, but just can't and it totally sucks. As for the weight, you can and will get over this hump. Meds can help you out of the depression and that will help with your weight, but I think that by you taking all these positive steps, you will feel in control of your life again and that my dear Carmen is the key to success. You are the most important thing in your life. Don't deal with others BS, don't let their drama effect you (and I realize this is me totally the pot calling the kettle black) but you need to do what is best for you. Just know that each and every one of us is here for you!!!
ReplyDeleteWow - why haven't we been friends yet? After you welcomed me to the East Coast on my blog today, I had to come check out yours! You and I have such similar paths in life, it's scary! A few years ago I left someone who was suffocating me, and have never looked back! I live on my own (it's TOUGH financially, but you make it work - and I love it!), I smoke, I make bad band decisions (was banded a month before you), etc. We should get together and have a motivational party!!! :)
ReplyDelete