IT'S SABOTAGE!!!!
So after my fun with the scale this weekend, why oh why did I find it necessary to eat eat and eat all day yesterday?? Yes I am aware that I post a happy go lucky post yesterday, and this is somewhat pertaining to the post that I owe my friend Lori, but was I hiding from you guys yesterday? Was I secret eating? I was eating in plain view of all my co-workers and my bf...but I didn't tell YOU that I munch munch munching all day long. Ok perspective (not defending myself just trying to look at it a different way) my verision of pigging out now is probably equal to one meal a year ago. I'm just saying.
So am I sabotaging myself? Everyday I say to myself, "Hey Carmen, why don't you go to the gym?" Oh yeah, you didn't know that either? Yeah I haven't been to the gym since....oh.....early December? Maybe even late late November. More hiding? Maybeeeeeee.
Ok let's just get into what Lori is expecting. Last week she said to me "you are so good" she was talking about my eating etc. When I said that I really wasn't she questioned if I was hiding a lot. (all paraphrasing, sorry Lor! lol) She definitely sees the bulk of my eating (since I sit right next to her for 40 hours a week) she sees my grazing, she sees my candy munching, my hot chocolates etc etc. I hid the bag of PB hearts that I brought into work from my bf, mainly because he would have eaten all of them. I very rarely share on here all my eating habits. Why? Because I eat horribly!! I don't drink enough water, I don't get my protein in, I drink a lot of calories etc etc etc. Most of the time I don't give a flying fuck what people think about me. But you. You are different. Not that I feel like you would judge me (too much! lol) But...well now as I am typing I can't come up with a good
What to do, what to do? Do I need to do anything??? I cannot commit to food journaling, fuck, I lie to myself when I food journal! But, I am what I am. Most days I have a hot chocolate. Everyday I have P0P chips (damn I love those things!). I have candy every now and then, ok at least once a week. BTW that pisses me off, I never was one of those chicks that NEEDED chocolate. Now. I do. WTF?
I really don't know why I am so pissed at myself. This morning for my official weigh in I weighed in at a whopping 201. Really Carmen? REALLY? Last year you were on your pre-op diet, hovering around 28-something. Get over yourself.
AHEM. KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.
Hey... Everything's relative, We ate differently before the band and so we have different pig out standards now too. I would beat myself up over "Ruining" my diet and binge for days before... but now, I'm just like... Tomorrow's another day and another chance to make good choices. The cravings are weird, I really never cared for Mashed Potatoes pre-band but now I crave them often... Strange, Bizarre creatures, aren't we?
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about "needing" chocolate now. I have ever been a chocolate eater, or ice cream for that matter, but now, I HAVE to have it! what is up with that? Hang in there. And being honest, here, but most importantly with yourself, is a good first step. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteMy advice (because it's the advice I give me and that others have given me) is to change one thing. Have sugar free hot chocolate, or even better click protein hot. Stock dark chocolate instead of PB ones...just little things to help cut back on the calories. It's easy to just slide off track and by just being aware you are doing something, so try a few changes and see how that works and then make a few more. Don't beat yourself up, you have come to far and worked to hard for that. You have done amazing and can continue to do well, we believe in you.
ReplyDeleteI like Jennifer's advise.
ReplyDeleteWe have allllll done this. That's how we got fat. Don't feel bad. You are doing great! When was the last time you looked at one of your before pictures? Hmmmmm?
I hide alot too. I get super ashamed and hateful towards myself. We all have "those" days.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for recognizing your strengths along with your weaknesses. You have made progress and as long as you continue that's what matters!
Keep calm and carry on...good advice. You know what to do...I know you do. You have to know it too. And we're here...lean on us.
ReplyDelete"Yea, get over yourself" (said in a joking tone) There are a lot of people in your boat - people who have lost a butt-load of weight and are having an issue taking it to the next level. Unfortunately, I am not in that boat. I am in the boat wondering why I've only lost 36 lbs in 7 months. Wondering if I'll ever lose any more weight. Wondering if I'll ever get in Carmen's boat. I'm not saying this to belittle your feelings - that is not my intention at all. I just want you to realize how great you are doing and this little blip will pass. Then you will be in the Onederland boat and hopefully I'll be in stuck at low 200s boat. I'm not even sure if this comment makes sense any more, but hopefully you get my drift.
ReplyDeleteI hardly ever blog about my eating habits either, I don't know of too many people who do! So I wouldn't worry too much. Most of us are struggling to eat well.
ReplyDelete201 is awesome, I'd KILL a stray cat and sacrifice it to the gods to be there!
Ya know what? I still think you are "so good" ~ I don't know anyone who's had the Band or GB who doesn't have a whole new set of issues with food. And you know what I see 40 hours a week? You making careful, deliberate choices in what you eat. If it's chocolate, it's a small amount. If it's pizza, it takes you an hour to eat it - and it's a piece.
ReplyDeleteNot to state the obvious, but the Sabotage here is not so much your eating but your perspective on eating. =) As much as your Band Chicks are your inspiration, remember that YOU are an inspiration to many. Not because people only see what you don't hide -- but because people see YOU.